A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”
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The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying “our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn’t you like to give back to your community through The United Way?”
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: “First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh, no.”
“Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
“Thirdly, that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful traffic accident”, the lawyers voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, “I had no idea.”
The lawyer then says”…and if I don’t give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?”
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Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious-looking bear. The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”
“Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans. I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear.”
“If you know that, why are you changing shoes?”
“Well, the way I figure it,” the first lawyer replied, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you.”
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A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man’s curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn’t seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it — it was so incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.
The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the shopkeeper sternly warned him, “This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won’t take it back under any circumstances.”
The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth worrying about. He agreed to the shopkeeper’s terms, and left with the rat.
At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But, as he walked back toward his car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a life rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all following him and milling about his feet.
The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.
The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper’s warning, and knew what he had to do. He turned toward the bay, and ran as quickly as he could toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the rat into the water, where they drowned.
The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper shouted, “I told you, no refunds. I don’t want trouble here. The sale was final, and you can’t return the merchandise.”
The man smiled, and replied, “Oh, I don’t want to return the rat. I just want to know — do you have a brass lawyer in stock?”
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An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of the upmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
‘So, what is it?’ grumbled the governor.
‘Judge Garber has just died!’ said the attorney, ‘and I want to take his place!’
The governor replied; ‘Well it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the undertaker.’
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